When My Mind Won't Be Silent
by belacekstran
Summary: This is my story. Don't know how much of this I'll be doing. But right now this is what I need to do. Rated M because I don't know what all i'm gunna put in here.


He sat at his desk, exhausted and ready to quit. 'Ready to quit what?' he wondered. This assignment. This class. This school. Not being able to sleep. Not being able to breath. Not being able to let her go. Life. Pix sank deeper into his chair. Death would be nice. He is too afraid to do it though. And he could never leave his family like that. He takes his headphones out of his ears and lets them drop to his lap. 'Damn this is depressing' he thought.

He looked up from his laptop to his shelf and saw the picture. You know, that one. Of them. Him and her. Pix and Lulu. He slowly reached out and touched it, silently recognizing her beauty. In an impulse of anger he clenched the photo in both hands and squeezed its' frame until it shattered in his hands. He screamed and clenched his hair with his bloody fingers. Sobbing. Cold. Broken. Tears and snot streaming down his face, he cursed at himself. "Forever" he said in a tiny croak. "You said forever." As his fingers tightened harder around his hair, he felt the cold metal of his ring, her ring, in his hand. He torn it off his finger and threw it across the room with a scream. The symbol of their love, their promise, their forever. It was fucking useless now. All of it. All the pictures, the books, the blanket, that fucking useless stuffed animal.

Teemo. His childhood friend. When was the last time he spoke to him? They did everything together. Pix could not remember a moment without him. He gave that up, for what? Her? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Teemo never got mad about it. About Pix being gone. About Pix never eating lunch with him. About Lulu taking him away. He was always willing to take Pix back… but Pix never came back.

Pix went to his closet and pulled out his razor. He stared at it, brought it to his arm, threw it against the wall. 'How the fuck did she do it? Every fucking day.' His head throbbed. He needed to leave. He needed to get out of his room, out of his mind. He needed silence. But silence was all he had. No one was there. No one would ever be there. He spent two years pushing everyone away. Two years letting someone else command his actions and feelings. He was nothing now but a husk, an empty shell, shattered after being separated from his soul.

He picked up his phone. He had one person. Hundreds of miles away. He never met her. But now she is all he has. He began his text.

Pix: 'Nid. Can you talk? Please?'

Nidalee: 'Yea? I'll be on now.'

Pix turned on his laptop and went to skype. He waited. They couldn't call on the phone. Long distance calling and all. Nid's online light flashed green. She called.

Pix: 'hi'

Nidalee: 'Hey dude. What's up?'

Pix: '…'

He couldn't respond. he choked up. This was a mistake. He already failed one long distance relationship. How was this friendship any different? That person he thought he knew perfectly. This one he's never even seen.

Pix: 'um.. i.. um… it's…'

Nidalee: 'Is it Lulu?'

Pix burst into tears. He sobbed uncontrollably into the mic. He told her everything. How she told him she hated him. How she told him she loved him. How she told him she hated that he made her love him. How she loved someone else. Pix couldn't hang up. He couldn't say bye. Once he did. He truly would have no one.

Pix didn't sleep that night. The nightmares came back. No one was in his thoughts to hold him. No one loved him. Not really. No one would take care of him. No one even cared. He stared endlessly into the terrors of the dark, the pain in his heart, permanent.

**Yea can't fucking take it anymore. Take from this whatever the hell you want. Frankly I don't know who I wrote this for. Me? Her? My friend? I don't know. Probably not me. Every word was pain to me. I am not a writer. I am not a story teller. This is more of a journal than anything. The events that inspired this thing happened a few months ago. I thought I was over it. I guess not.**

**Bel**


End file.
